Green Lantern: Kill Me Now

**SPOILERS BUT WHO REALLY CARES**

So normally I try to avoid spoilers in my reviews because having the plot of a movie spoiled makes watching the movie so much less enjoyable. However, when it comes to The Green Lantern, I think spoiling is the best way to go. If my spoilers dissuade you from watching the movie, I will have saved you 114 minutes of torture. THIS MOVIE IS SO BAD.

The first time I saw The Green Lantern was when it came out in 2011 (don’t worry, I didn’t pay to see it). At that time, superhero movies were just starting to become the most popular genre. This was pre-Avengers. So when I watched it, I let some faults slide because I find Green Lantern (the superhero, not the movie) to be pretty cool. Also I didn’t know too much about movies or CGI, etc.. So when I first saw it, I didn’t fully appreciate how bad this movie is.

Fast forward to today, when my dad decides to interrupt my Sons of Anarchy Netflix marathon with this gem of a movie. I decided I’d watch it because it meant I could put off studying for midterms just a bit longer. And honestly, by midway, I was wishing I had been studying.

I don’t even know where to begin with the reasons why this movie was so bad. I guess I’ll start with something that really reeallly upset me while watching it: the visual effects. I don’t know what happened. This movie was made in 2011, and it’s still so poorly animated. Especially after having seen Gravity (see my review here) the bad visual effects really stood out to me. The aliens from other planets were so poorly done, and the alien planet itself was even worse. But the thing that bugged me the most was Ryan Reynolds’ suit and mask. The suit was pretty poorly done, but the mask was really bad. It was poorly shadowed and it was weird around his eyes.

Another thing that made this movie unbearable was the script/plot. The story was so poorly put together it was so hard to watch. The first half of the movie was more bearable, because there was a sort-of ALMOST decent origin story (but even then not really). By the second half, when the writers had to write an actual story, they just sort of gave up. I don’t know why. The main villain was not even properly established. I don’t know if the main villain was the terribly acted nerd on Earth or the weird cloud of some weird poorly-animated substance that was only in the movie for about 5 minutes. The ending of this movie was so badly done. I’m going to go ahead and spoil it for you. Essentially Ryan Reynolds is trying to save Earth and prove that Will is stronger than Fear (so dumb). So he goes to Earth for a few minutes, and the ‘main villain’ (the nerd) gets killed by the other main villain (the cloud controlled by some sort of face). So Hal Jordan, being the great hero that he is, decides to ‘outsmart this cloud’ by just leading it away from Earth (I don’t know why the cloud would do that after it clearly pointed out minutes before that if it consumes Earth it would be infinitely powerful). So Hal leads this cloud straight into the sun (within like 2 seconds of course), saying “The bigger you are the faster you burn”, then does some sort of maneuver with some green F-22s that allowed the cloud to be pulled into the sun and not him. SO DUMB.

There are almost no redeeming qualities to this movie. Ryan Reynolds was not terrible, considering the lines he had to play, but his decent performance did not make up for any of the many faults of the movie.

I will say this though. This movie is something you can watch with friends and laugh at. If you want to get smashed within 5 minutes, make some sort of drinking game where any time something dumb happens you drink. You’ll be smashed within 5 minutes for sure.

Anyway I can’t write any more about this movie. Just don’t watch it. Please. For your own health.

Come on. Really?

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